Geeks enjoy thinking that their lives are unfathomably complex entities that no mere mortal could possibly unravel. Therefore, they are always looking for ways to make it more efficient.

Thanks to websites such as Lifehacker and 43 Folders, they can now spend a few hours each day finding new tips and tricks to help them save up to a few minutes each day.

But it’s not just about saving time, it’s about improving your life. Once you’ve hidden the sidebar clutter in GMail you’ll wonder if you even qualified as a sentient being before doing so. (Tomorrow’s tip: how to make your life better with GMail labels!) You’ll laugh at the tiny ants beneath you as you stride above them like a colossus, no longer having to read YouTube comments. With every day bringing worse and worse news about the economy and stories of people facing monumental losses, you’ll not need to fear your life becoming an ungodly hellhole where you sometimes have to take your hand off of your computer mouse.

"That's exactly what I need, but do you have a far more expensive one?"

"That's exactly what I need, but do you have a far more expensive one?"

Of course, most of this is, as is so often the case with geeks, an excuse to buy shit, preferably electronic shit. How can you possibly remember the one night a week that the Sarah Conner Chronicles comes on unless you get some electronic gadget to remind you? And while you already have a phone, shouldn’t you upgrade to one that can also scan barcodes and see how much cheaper whatever you’re standing in front of is if you buy it from Amazon? Even if you’re going to go all low-tech and use actual paper to make notes on, you’ll want to make sure that paper is bound into an authentic Moleskine notebook, the bound paper of choice for spoiled pretentious hipsters everywhere.

Now that you have the ideas and the goods, it’s time to start multitasking! Not only is every moment that you’re not doing Something Important a waste, but it’s even more of a waste than moments when you’re doing only one Important Thing. Hence the geeks who are listening to their music while Twittering when out to eat, or programming their Tivo while commuting to work, or watching TV shows on their iPhones while waiting in line to buy a better iPhone. Nothing’s more dangerous than a geek left alone with his own thoughts, so it’s vital he have at least three different modes of sensory input aimed at him at all times.

All of this combines to form the most streamlined, efficient, ubergeek known to man. With all of this knowledge and power at his disposal, he commands respect and awe as he simultaneously watches the latest episode of Lost AND purchases anime online, while Twittering about doing so and not having to pick up his hand from the mouse. This is the next generation of humans, who will make the rest of us obsolete through their deft manipulation of their environment.

Anything that allows geeks to do several worthless things with electronics at the same time gets a thumbs up from them, so geeks LOVE efficiency!


2 Responses

  1. When you were talking about scanning stuff in the store with a barcode reader and comparing prices online I think I had some kind of a geekgasm.

  2. I found your site and love the blog. Wow. This one cuts a little close to home. :-P

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